What If WWE's Animal Mascots Formed Their Own Stable?
You know what would have been a cool twist back in the 80s? What if all of the animal mascots turned on their owners and formed a stable of their own? You had Matilda the bulldog, Damien the snake, Frankie the bird and Ricky Steamboat’s komodo dragon..
That’s more than enough, but how would it work? Well that’s what we’re going to look at today, because…. well why not?
The First Signs Of An Animal Rebellion
It would need to start with something a bit less than obvious. The easiest way would probably be having Ware ready to win a match with the Ghostbuster (perhaps the most randomly named finishing move of all time) but something seems to scare Frankie. For some reason he starts flapping his wings and Ware is distracted enough that he gets pinned by some jobber. Preferably one named after an animal in what could be some foreshadowing. Or maybe Anthony Durante, one of the future Pitbulls in ECW, who did some job work in the 80s for the WWF.
Anyway, it might happen another time or two and Ware decides to turn on Frankie, saying that losing like this is “for the birds”. That leaves Frankie to go off on his own, perhaps sitting at the entrance to scout some other talent for a few months. You leave that alone just long enough for the other members of the team to start getting their own acts together, which should be too hard.
Matilda, Damien & The Great Escape
We’ll start with Matilda, who doesn’t even need to do that much. All she would have to do is get sick and tired of being a freaking mascot who has to run to the ring and chase Bobby Heenan or Slick all the time. Make her a vegetarian, who doesn’t want to chase a weasel all the time. One day she barks at the Bulldogs and leaves to find a better option. She could throw the leash at them while they cry over it, because remember that sad wrestlers are incapable of moving while someone leaves due to the big invisible wall that somehow forms between them during promos.
Then you have Damien, who can just bite Jake Roberts over being stuck in a bag for so long. That one pretty much writes itself.
That leaves you with the komodo dragon, who wasn’t around for very long and was just there to go after Damien. That can make things a lot easier, as the komodo dragon can make a big surprise return later and go after Steamboat for using him and then abandoning him. If you want to make it even more personal, point out that Steamboat never even gave him a name. He’s not a bass player from Erie, Pennsylvania.
Every Stable Needs A Leader
So now you have all of the turns, but the team still needs a leader. Now the obvious, and frankly far too easy, answer would be George The Animal Steele, but that’s too easy. We’ll go with something a bit more outside the box: the SUPERFLY Jimmy Snuka. I mean he’s not an actual fly, but someone has to do the talking for them. Snuka is... well he can talk a bit more than they can. I think. It’s hard to tell with Frankie.
Now the big issue here might be the actual matches, but that’s where you have to start thinking outside of the box. If nothing else, you can start recruiting wrestlers who either really like the animals (we could call them Animal Farm), or just pretend to be animals. Be. Like the KILLER BEES, who would wear the masks and hide, often having more success when they stopped being themselves and started seeing the Animal Farm way. That’s in addition to people like the aforementioned Steele and perhaps a returning Russian Bear Ivan Koloff.
New Animals, Same Old Tricks
The thing is, this whole idea has some legs. In the early 90s, the British Bulldog would bring in Winston as his own solo mascot. This could go on for a bit, as it isn’t so much a question about will Winston go on down to the Farm (there’s your catchphrase) but rather when. Bulldog can hold out for as long as he can before Winston finally turns on him, if nothing else of that weird hair that Bulldog had in 1991. Yeah Winston is a dog but that doesn’t mean he has no taste.
Then Lucifer can bite Roberts again. It’s been long enough and Roberts getting screwed over in the same story would feel oddly on point for him.
The Animal Farm Takes Over Survivor Series
You could get all the way to a big Survivor Series match (because those matches were perfect for team feuds, no matter what the modern WWE seems to think with their stupid “this isn’t WarGames but we’re calling it WarGames” nonsense) with the Animal Farm against the group of wrestlers trying to take them down. Naturally Animal Farm wins, as their newest stars make the save. Who would that be you ask (for some reason)?
The Godwinns of course. Henry O. and Phineas I., as in HOG and PIG. They have Hillbilly Jim with them (because everything is better with him involved) and can reform their ways after being hog farmers for so long. Now they’ve decided that they should serve the Farm for a change, hopefully with the pig that Phineas would bring with him to the ring getting the respect that it deserves.
Unleashing The Animal: Batista Joins The Farm!
After the Farm gets to run things for a bit, they’ll probably cool off for a bit, but you don’t want to close it all the way down. I mean this story has legs (four of them compared to two) and could go on for a long time. All you have to do is keep them around long enough to get to the early 2000s and the big star that the team has been needing to have (for about fifteen years at this point).
That would of course be The Animal, Batista. The guy was a deacon and a demon (in OVW) so why not have him be a Farm Hand? You find a few more stars (I’m not sure if the American Dragon would count or not but if you can pretend a bird is real, a dragon isn’t that far off) and the stable (not the Stable, which is a different thing for a different time) could be brought right back to its former glory.
So you can all see how this would work, even though unfortunately it would never get a chance. For some reason, wrestling promotions don’t see the appeal of having birds and dogs as major characters on their shows. The catchphrases and nicknames write themselves but the promotions would rather stick with those humans that have been around for so long. If done right, this story could be quite the GOAT, or at least better than whatever the Hardys are doing right now.
(This is what happens when I don’t sleep well. I’m sorry.)
Comments